Hey guys, hasn't been the best month however, I've learned somethings from it.
1. If something doesn't want to change don't try to change it.
I've lost some friends due to really trivial things. Honestly yeah I was being an ass because I was feeling like I was being pushed out of their lives. For someone who doesn't have much family and that little bit of family they do have doesn't care 80% of the time, it's hard to not to feel pushed away. However if they truly want me gone for good I'm fine with that. I can't keep waiting for people to change if they never want to or never will. Which brings me to number two.
2. I have a huge case of depression.
No, not because of the first one, that's a really small slice of this. My family isn't the best to be around to be honest. My mother who went from being an optimistic happy spirit has turned into a narrow-minded greedy soul. My father finally left the house but not the picture, which I don't see why he won't. I think he's convinced himself that he doesn't want to stop loving us but when it comes down to it he'll yell for "not showing interest" then insult us in a passive aggressive way then walk out again. My siblings which have went from being obnoxious spoiled children have slowly become angry shells of their former self's who've used the: 'my daddy yells, hits, and hates me' thing as a crutch that my mom has provided for them. She feeds them lines in which they act out flawlessly, since I carry my father's name they now target me as him when I don't do something for them. They're powered by the same greed my mother is. If they don't have something expensive they have to act out so that they get my mother's love and attention. I never did this I didn't act out for attention from my parents but my mom rewards them. Here's a $100+ phone, phone card, and money when you need to go to a school event. When I bring this up it's you're too old for this, you should have a job! When I did have a job she took almost half my check to go towards "gas" so I could get to work. Another thing is that if me or my girlfriend doesn't have an income she isn't happy with us at all. She feels the need to throw us out, but when we do have income and try to save it to make something of ourselves she just has her hand out for her own benefit. Here's the thing: I never asked for anything or caused any trouble, yet I got nothing but they do it and they get everything they could ask for. Yet, we don't have money for any of it. I'm guessing family wise the good son is better off leaving home because there is nothing left for me here. With all this stress it's put on me and my girlfriend it has caused a great deal of depression on her and I. Starting next month she will be going to college and in December I will be moving in with one of my only true friends. Maybe I'll finally be able to beat this life threatening depression. You see it's gotten to the point of me not even wanting to talk to some of my friends when I don't have a reason to, it makes me not want to get a job because I don't want to talk to people, I don't even want to do stuff like record videos which has been a goal for years now. In my mind it twist on itself one moment I'm fine then the next I don't want to do anything. My mind feels like it's spinning I often contradict myself I often don't listen to myself speak I could make the most life changing speech of my life and I won't remember it. I was taught to compress my hatred but I ended up compressing my emotions so when I let them out I don't often notice them. Honestly the only one who makes me feel good is my girlfriend and due to depression I want her to breathe have some time to think so that's why I'm moving with my friend so we can think. Obviously, not relationship wise our life experiences have proven that our love cannot be broken. This is so I can pursue my dream of becoming a professional voice actor. I've created a shell around myself so that when I want to do something, I can't. She thinks with her at college and my friend at my side, I'll have someone pushing me to do something with my life. She said after she's done with college she'll be right along side me pushing. I love her so much she see's something I can't see, she see's that I can become something. I won't let her down.
So I've learned I can't let this depression keep me down I need to push forward. I want to see what she see's in me so badly, I want to become something. To do so I need to cut any loose ends off this boat so noting snags as I set sail on my adventure to become something great; something she see's. I have to keep, pushing forward.